Soaring through the cosmos yesterday, a plucky team of trailblazing pioneers shattered the surly bonds of Earth’s Y-chromosomes, reaching the realm of Heaven itself — and in the process, they gave the evil, sexist, no-good Patriarchy the middle finger.
More importantly, they also inspired a generation of young girls to toss aside their insidious Barbies and reject society’s gender-imposed shackles: You too can be just like us! You too can do anything you want!*
*Just as long as a rich guy buys it for you. C’mon, ladies, y’gotta be realistic.
Yesterday, Blue Origin sent an all-female crew of six beyond the Kármán line (which is the internationally recognized boundary of space) that included such scientific geniuses as Oprah’s buddy Gayle King, singer Katy Perry, and Jeff Bezos’s top-heavy fiancé, Lauren Sánchez.
The bad news is they all came back to Earth.
Still, the media LOVED it. They heralded this estrogen-fueled mission as a truly momentous, groundbreaking moment in feminist history:
USA Today: History made: Katy Perry, Gayle King go to space on Blue Origin flight
NPR: Katy Perry, Gayle King and others reflect on their brief but historic trip to space
CBS News: Blue Origin’s all-female crew talks training, historic spaceflight and inspiring others
MSNBC: Blue Origin’s all-female crew returns to Earth after travelling to the edge of space
Elle: Blue Origin’s All-Female Flight Crew Isn’t Afraid to Take Up Space
The Guardian: Lauren Sanchez’s all-female space flight is about to blast off — and will challenge Elon Musk’s SpaceX
The Hill: All-female Blue Origin space flight prepares for liftoff
BBC: Katy Perry, Lauren Sánchez, Gayle King reflect on all-female space flight
People Magazine: Katy Perry, Gayle King and Lauren Sánchez Go to Space and Back in Historic All-Female Blue Origin Flight
Blue Origin was founded in 2000 by Jeff Bezos (a man). All three CEOs have been men. The overwhelming majority of Blue Origin’s scientists, engineers, technicians, programmers, and laborers are men. I can’t verify this anywhere, but I’ll betcha a Diet Coke that most of their janitors are men, too. The idea that one Blue Origin flight represents some kind of feminist accomplishment is just nuts.
I’m not bashing Blue Origin. Designing and building a rocket so safe and reliable it can transport a crew of space novices is a hell of an accomplishment! Kudos to the (men) who made it happen.
Yet the women who rode Jeff Bezos’ golden coattails couldn’t resist sounding like they were a modern-day Vasco da Gama:
“I think that it’s not about me, it’s not about singing my songs, it’s about a collective energy in there,” Perry said afterward. “It’s about making space for future women, and taking up space and belonging, and it’s about this wonderful world that we see right out there and appreciating it. This is all for the benefit of Earth.”
Don’t worry, Katy: Nobody thought it was about you! In fact, the main difference between you and all those stars in the sky is that your “star” fell a decade ago.
But that won’t stop the media from pushing the pro-feminist narrative. You have a rocket company that was built, funded, and run by men — the rocket itself is shaped like a you-know-what — yet somehow, this was a bra-burning, iconic moment in Girl Power history?!
How deflating for the men.
True Fact: (I’m NOT making this up either.) The current CEO of Blue Origin is really, truly, seriously named… Dave Limp.
[Insert your own joke here.]
Recommended: Stephen A. Smith Has Come to Save the Democratic Party!
In the United States of America, the average life expectancy for men is 74.8. For women, it’s 80.2. There are lots of legitimate explanations for this, including the fact that dudes are dopey, violent, and impulsive, and they get drunk and play with fireworks (or whatever).
Testosterone itself is a helluva drug.
But if women died half a decade before men did, no matter the reason, it would be declared the single greatest health crisis in America today — and proof-positive that the Patriarchy isn’t just real, but it’s actually murdering women. Democrats like Elizabeth Warren and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would be screaming and yelling for more healthcare funding. Journalists would hector Republican candidates about the “gender death gap” 24/7.
Yet when men die half a decade earlier, nobody cares.
Fortunately, there’s been some gentle pushback to Spice Girls in Space: Actress Olivia Munn (with whom I once spent 10 days at the Hedonism II nudist resort in Jamaica, for the filming of “National Lampoon’s Strip Poker” — that’s not really relevant to this story, but I like to talk about it as often as I can) had this to say:
What’s the point? Is it historic that you guys are going on a ride? I think it’s a bit gluttonous. Space exploration was to further our knowledge and to help mankind. What are they gonna do up there that has made it better for us down here?
Supermodel, Internet babe, and/or influencer Emily Ratajkowski added this:
That space mission this morning? That’s end-time s***. Like, this is beyond parody. Saying that you care about Mother Earth and it’s about Mother Earth, and you’re going up in a spaceship that is built and paid for by a company that’s singlehandedly destroying the planet? Look at the state of the world and think about how many resources went into putting these women into space… For what? What was the marketing there?
Sorry, Mr. Bezos. If you’ve lost Emily Ratajkowski, you’ve lost the rest of America. This “feminist” stunt didn’t just jump the shark — it jumped the whole damn planet.
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